WHITT'S END 7.5.13

      Whether you're at the end of your rope or merely the end of your week, welcome to Whitt's End

   *Dwight Howard, holed up in Aspen, Colorado, could decide his free-agent destination as early as today. Considering his fickle DNA and theatrical flair, however, he'll milk it into next week. Even Whataburger is a player in the drama, Tweeting this week: You can't pass up the chance to move to a Whataburger state. #dwight2houston Of course, um, Mavs fans in the Metroplex want Howard and their Whataburger as well. Someone in the restaurant chain's PR department has some 'splainin' to do.

   *Joey Chestnut won his seventh consecutive Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating contest yesterday, engulfing 69 in 10 minutes. His official stat line: 20,010 calories, 1,173 grams of fat, 48,990 milligrams of sodium and 759 grams of protein, all consumed in less time than it will take you to digest "Whitt's End". Competitive eating is Chestnut's only job, one that earns him $200,000 a year. God Bless America.

   *Fourth of July traditions in my family always included golf, watermelon and, of course, fireworks. I once held a Roman Candle backward, firing it into my stomach and leaving me with a blackened belly button for days. But my most ridiculous incident with festive explosives occurred when a junior-high buddy and I hatched a brilliant plan to flirt with the neighbor girls. The strategy: We'd light a 100-count strand of Black Cat firecrackers, open his bedroom window and toss them over the fence and into the girls' backyard. Surely that would get their attention and make us cool. Ready ... 3 ... 2... 1 ... Ohcrapweforgotthereisascreenonthewindow!!! The Black Cats simply bounced off the screen like a trampoline, landing in the middle of our bedroom and commencing four minutes of explosions that resonated through our house. Parents were none too happy and the ringing in my ears didn't stop until last week.

   *Huge comeback last night for the Rangers. Down 3-1 and in danger of getting swept by the horrible Seattle Mariners, they rallied for four runs in the 7th to escape. Couple strange sights. When Nelson Cruz made a catch on the warning track in right field in the 9th he did so just in front of a huge Gulf advertising banner on the wall. Gulf? There are none near my house in McKinney and only two in Dallas. Weird, thought their gas stations went the way of Braniff Airlines. And then to this Phiten fad that just won't die. In fact, now even manager Ron Washington and 74-year-old bench coach Jackie Moore are wearing the bulky, woven necklaces that are supposed to enhance your energy and stabilize your karma or somesuch. In a word, hooey. We're such suckers. Me included. I once bought a Pet Rock in the '80s. But now it's those Power Balance rubber bracelets with a magical hologram. Fake. And, sure enough, Phiten necklaces? Fake. One of the strongest products in the world is invisible: The Placebo Effect.

   *So I'm shopping on Wednesday and there is a Mom walking the aisles, being followed by two girls that appear to be 15-ish. Thing was, the teens were holding hands. I mean, like, lovingly, affectionately holding hands. Was it just innocent friendship or ... ? I followed them - creepy, right? - around one corner and when Mom turned around to tell them something they quickly and abruptly disengaged hands. Friendship? Or ...

   *Hot.

   *Not.

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   *Fourth of July fireworks provided by the guys who play on ... ice? Yep, the Dallas Stars pulled off a big trade yesterday, sending forward Loui Eriksson to the Boston Bruins for forward Tyler Seguin, center Rich Peverly and defenseman Ryan Button. While Eriksson was one of the few recognizable names remaining in an organization that has been completely gutted, you gotta give credit to the new braintrust of general manager Jim Nill/head coach Lindy Ruff. They are trying to fix what is broken.

   *This is very cool. Gym teacher wore the same outfit on his school's picture day for 40 straight years. Makes you go "Oh, I wanna do tha ... Damn, too late." Right?

   *During the Rangers' game on Fox Sports Southwest last night they displayed the results of a poll on what fans preferred on the Fourth. 52% responded "Watch the Rangers." About an hour later on the Colorado Rockies' telecast the same poll netted a leading answer (45%) of "Watch fireworks." Baseball town, anyone?

   *Props to Pops. My dad, who's a spry, young 73, now regularly shoots his age on the golf course. Been playing with him since I was about 7. Hundreds of rounds together. And I can count the times I've beaten him on one hand. Whipped me by seven strokes last week at Stonebriar Country Club in Frisco.

   *Buddy of mine went to Pappadeaux restaurant this week and reported something genius. When the waiter brought out crayons for the kids, they were flat-sided. As in, no more rolling off the table and onto the floor and "Mom, can you get my ... " whining. How'd that take us so long?

   *ESPN does a lot of things wrong, mainly its refusal to admit when it gets beat on a story. But props to the network for its segment featuring soldiers coming home from war to be reunited with their families. Despite Daughtry's "Coming Home" it was riveting, moving stuff.

   *Two things us men just can't seem to find: 1. Jimmy Hoffa's body; 2. A woman's G-Spot.

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   *For months I suffered from extremely tight calf muscles. When I tried to run I'd strain one, or the other, or both. I did what I thought was a lot of stretching, but nothing helped. From December to May I was uncomfortable to the point of often not playing tennis or going on jogs with Sybil out of fear of injury. Then something so simple cured me: Foam roller. That's right, I just began spending about five minutes a day on the round, hard-foam roller and, within a week, I was 75% better. Now, good as new. I guess the pressure from the roller forced the gunk out of my muscles, allowing them to actually stretch and loosen. Whatever, I wholly recommend them.

   *If the Mavs don't land Howard what's the big-man Plan B? Cross Al Jefferson and Tiago Splitter off the list. Jefferson will sign with the Charlotte Bobcats, while Splitter re-upped with the San Antonio Spurs. You know what means and you're probably not going to like it: Andrew Bynum. Remember him?

   *Lots of things I don't understand in life. At the top of that list is how wheels on a car rotating really fast forward look like they're somehow spinning backward. And how just one bite of asparagus can transform your pee so incredibly pungent.

   *If you miss me on radio, sorry. For now my words are only here. If you miss Sybil on the radio, you can itch that scratch Monday 1-3 p.m. on her new home, 103.7 KVIL.

   *Ever said "Well, he ain't exactly a Mensa member"? This weekend you can prove it when the American Mensa Society holds its 51st Annual gathering in Fort Worth. If you think you're a smarty pants you can take the exam Saturday morning at The Worthington Hotel.

   *Wondering if this site's traffic would dip after the opening-week debut centering around The Hard Lie 2? Of course it has. But, pleasantly surprisingly, not too much. Last two weeks we've averaged 60,000 pageviews per week, which is enough to keep the lights on. Thank you. Strangest stat? Just this week DFWSportatorium.com has received unique visitors from Germany, Canada, Mexico, Colombia, Dominican Republic, France, United Kingdom, India and Japan. Shout out, wherever this may find you.

   *This weekend? A little tennis Saturday morning, followed by a college graduation party that night. On Sunday let's trek to JoCoMoFo to visit dear ol' mom and dad. A pre-party of sorts, because a certain someone turns 49 on Monday. Don't be a stranger.

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